


Depersonalization

by BelleoftheBookstore



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Autistic Logic | Logan Sanders, Emotional Constipation, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, References to Depression, Self-Esteem Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-25
Updated: 2019-12-25
Packaged: 2021-02-26 04:08:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,791
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21963346
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BelleoftheBookstore/pseuds/BelleoftheBookstore
Summary: Logan encourages Patton to sleep in his room when he has nightmares in order to allow Patton and therefore, Thomas, to improve their mental health. However, spending so much time in the side of the Thomas' mind that doesn't fully understand his existence has some unintended consequences on Patton. Can Logan figure this out in time and help Patton feel more like himself? Will Logan's own issues come up in the process? Let's find out!
Relationships: Logic | Logan Sanders/Morality | Patton Sanders
Comments: 3
Kudos: 52





	Depersonalization

**Author's Note:**

> Author’s Note: This prompt is based off of an idea that I’ve read in a couple other fanfics that I think is intriguing. We already know that being in Virgil’s room for too long causes the main sides to feel anxious themselves. From that, I’m writing these fics based off the premise that the same thing could apply to the other sides’ rooms based on the extremes of that given character trait. The characters the room belongs to are unaffected, just as long as they don’t spend too much time isolated in there.   
> TW: Nightmares, swearing, self-deprecation. I think the others are in the tags, but let me know if I'm wrong.   
> Stay safe, this one is heavier than my last post.   
> I forgot to say this earlier, but all rights belong to the amazing Thomas Sanders and his friends. I obviously don't own these properties.

After the events in “Nostalgia” and “Moving on,” Patton knew that it was not good for the other sides to spend too much time in his room. So because of this and the fact that Logan is kind of a workaholic, he had taken to spending a lot of time in Logan’s room. This was fine, even enjoyable, until it wasn’t… 

It all started one night when Patton had a nightmare and got up in the middle of the night to cuddle with Logan. He had told Patton to do this a while ago because, “Good mental health is important for Thomas, so it follows that you should be comforted whenever necessary, since you control most of his emotional functioning.” Logan is a surprisingly good cuddler, so Patton always fell asleep after Logan started hugging him and whispering in soothing tones.

However, when he woke up that morning, he realized that something was off with his vision. Suddenly wide awake, he quietly snuck out of Logan’s arms, grabbed his glasses, and walked into the kitchen and turned on the overhead light. This didn’t do anything except make the shadows of the kitchen supplies contrast more. The jam in the Crofter’s jar, the bananas in the fruit basket, not even the flowers on the windowsill had colors on them. Patton was confused. Did he hit his head or something yesterday? Did he have a brain tumor? Was this a genetic thing? He had no idea. He grabbed his phone out of his room and scoured the internet. There was no explanation that seemed to explain his sudden total color blindness that he hadn’t thought of.   
He then heard a sound. It was Logan, getting up to get water. 

“You’re up early, Patton. Even for your usual habits.”  
Patton checked the time. It was 4:55A.M. He was an early bird, but even he wasn’t typically up for at least another hour. At that moment, he thought about asking Logan what he knew about color blindness, but just as suddenly, he wondered, did it really matter? After all, it might just go away on its own soon and there would be no point in worrying Logan in that case. Plus, as long as it didn’t affect Thomas, it was fine, right?   
“I didn’t sleep well, even though your cuddles helped.”  
“I’m sorry, darling.” He hugged Patton from behind.  
“It’s okay, don’t worry about it.” Patton held Logan’s hand. But both the action and his voice were devoid of feeling.

The rest of the day, Patton felt like a shell of his former self. He cooked, cleaned, and did everything else he usually did for the other sides, but he did nothing else with his day but sleep on the couch. He didn’t garden, he didn’t embroider, paint, or watch TV. He had to fake his laugh and smile around the other sides. He didn’t even make puns.   
Even though he and Roman were really busy making plans for Thomas’ upcoming videos, Logan still somehow noticed this odd behavior.  
“Are you feeling okay, Patton?”  
“Yeah, I’m just tired for some reason.” He didn’t even see the point in lying to Logan anymore.  
“I’m sorry to hear that. You can spend the night with me if that helps you sleep at all.” Patton didn’t know what would help. He just didn’t want any of the sides to worry about him.  
“That sounds like a good idea. It must be the nightmares I’ve been having lately.” Logan gave him a rare smile and Patton tried to do the same, but the sensation felt weird, like he forgot how to do it. And he swore he saw a snake out of the corner of his eyes…

The next morning, all of the sides woke up before Patton, which was very unusual. The other sides figured that he might be sick and probably needed the sleep. Roman made breakfast instead and Logan resolved to check on Patton afterwards. However, the four main sides felt themselves being summoned before they were even done with breakfast.   
When they rose up into the common room, the first thing they noticed was that Thomas was in clothes that looked like they haven’t been washed for two days and his hair was a mess.   
“Do you guys know what is going on with Patton?” The other sides noticed that Thomas’ voice was very monotone.   
“No, I mean I think he’s sick, he’s been very tired lately but-” Logan was then cut off by Thomas.   
“I think it’s more than that, I haven’t been feeling his presence at all…” Thomas said more things, but they didn’t register to Logan. He was too busy thinking.   
“I’m such an idiot!!” Logan’s sudden shout interrupted Thomas’ recount of his current lack of motivation and apathy about life. The others turned to look at him and saw a look of pure horror on his face that they had never seen on him before.   
“Care to explain to the class, Teach?” Roman responded.  
“No, I have to go now!” And he sank out of the room, leaving confusion and fear in his wake for everyone except Thomas, who felt nothing but vague fear. This was courtesy of Virgil, but Roman soon came to his side and tried to reassure him.  
Logan ran to his room while thinking, "I’m such an idiot. How could I have not seen this coming after what happened to the rest of us in Patton and Virgil’s rooms? My stupidity may have put all of us in danger."

When he got to his room, he was horrified to see that Patton was still asleep and physically devoid of all of his colors like a black and white person photoshopped into a modern room.   
“Patton… Darling… You need to wake up.” Patton groaned and Logan swore he muttered, “What’s the point?” under his breath.   
It was then that Logan realized how far down the hole of apathy Patton had fallen into. He picked him up and carried him to his own room.   
The atmosphere instantly changed from that of books and order to nostalgia and adorableness. However, nothing about Patton’s appearance changed at first.   
Everything started flooding Patton’s head at once. All of the feelings he hadn’t been able to feel recently. Sadness, confusion, joy, fear, love came back in a flood, one after another…  
From the outside, Logan noticed that Patton had started shaking. Given his recent mistake, he was afraid to touch the moral side. Then, Patton opened his eyes and tears came pouring out against his will.   
“It hurts… Everything hurts.” Even his body felt like he had the flu. In his space, Logan felt a lot of empathy for the moral side. Emotions were important, even if he didn’t understand them. He hated that his room somehow affected Patton to the point that he shoved his emotions down to the point of apathy like Logan did on bad days. When nothing made sense… 

“I know.” He whispered. “I’m so sorry. It’s all my fault.” It took awhile for him to realize that he was trying not to cry. He had to focus on Patton.   
Patton fell into Logan’s lap, which helped Logan figure out that he wanted to be touched. He obliged, desperately hoping this would help.   
When Patton felt better, he opened his eyes and realized that his color vision was back and he no longer felt apathetic. Unfortunately, one of the first things he saw was how sad Logan looked.   
“It isn’t your fault.” He whispered as he separated to look Logan in the eyes. This broke the dam.   
“Yes, it is.” Logan scooted further away, scared of what he might screw up next. He suddenly stood up and started pacing around the room. “I didn’t notice the signs that something abnormal was wrong. I didn’t connect the dots to deduce that my room might be bad for you until it caused you emotional pain. If I can’t connect the dots and freaking help my friends, what am I good for? I’m definitely not winning any popularity contests. I accidentally hurt people’s feelings all the time because I speak before I consider the social consequences. And even when I do, I still fuck up all the time. Like during the break-up... What good to the host is a side like that? I need those stupid flashcards to understand basic slang and yet I have the arrogance to call myself smart. Honestly, Thomas… All of you would be-”  
“Logan!” Patton was practically shouting to get him to stop. His energy was finally coming back. “My room is corrupting you!”

That was all it took for Logan to run out of the room. Anything to keep from falling apart in front of anyone again. To keep them from seeing how truly broken he is, how poorly he hides it, and from deciding that he wasn’t good enough at his job… That all he did was bring the rest of them down with lectures and information nobody else cared about… And that he sometimes lashed out because he was too stupid to understand-   
Logan was stopped with a crushing hug before he could finish his mental tangent, let alone make it to his bedroom door. Patton briefly wondered if it was the right move. He knew Logan didn’t always like sudden physical contact, but Patton was worried that he might hurt himself if he was left alone in this state.   
But then Logan put his head on his shoulders, tears pouring out uncontrollably and Patton knew where he should be right now. 

“Shh… It’s okay.... I’m okay… Let it out. It’s not healthy to keep all of this bottled up. Even when it hurts… Or it’s confusing… Between this and the stargazing trip, it’s clear that you hold on to the guilt after you make a mistake for far longer than you should… You’re allowed to make mistakes, Lo. You’re not a robot. Mistakes help people learn, help them become better…”  
After a couple of minutes of salt water hugs and soothing whispers, they had resolved to sitting against a wall in the hallway connecting the main sides rooms, still holding hands.   
“Thank you so much, Patton…” Logan whispered.  
“Of course, Logan. We love you. I…” Patton trailed off, as if ending that sentence was too awkward.  
“I love you too, Patton. You are my metaphorical sunshine…. There must be a less cheesy way to describe this, but it appears I can’t think at this moment...” They had both scooted closer to each other without realizing as Logan whispered this last . The only logical response they both thought of was to close the gap.   
And that’s how they had their first kiss.

**Author's Note:**

> In case anyone was wondering, this piece takes place before my "smoke signals" piece, but you can hopefully understand both on their own. Also, the "star-gazing trip" was a reference to something else I've written that I might post here later if I still think it's good. (I first wrote it a couple of months ago.)  
> I characterize Logan as autistic in my fics because he portrays a lot of traits in the show that some individuals on the spectrum have, such as strong special interests, desire for routine, and a hard time understanding the words and feelings of others. I want there to be more representation that doesn't rely so heavily on stereotypes and a lack of character growth. Please let me know if there's anything I could do better representation wise. Although, I've studied a lot of psychology at school, I've never personally been diagnosed with ASD (just social anxiety). However, I have friends (including my darling girlfriend) who have been and I'm basing my portrayal of Logan off of them and what I've learned from school. I might go into more detail about this in a future fic.   
> Merry Christmas to those who are celebrating. I hope that this fic at the very least gave someone a brief distraction from the stress many feel at this time. (i.e family expectations, buying things, the pressure to be happy, etc).   
> Please take care of yourselves, guys. Learn from the sides' mistakes lol. :)


End file.
